IF YOU are reading this, I am sorry to disappoint you. But YES, I am very much alive - walking, talking and breathing. I am physically alive. I have been on this planet for as long as I can remember and I am still counting the days while I’m still here but somehow, sometimes I feel like I have died several times already.
I’ve had a lot of precious memories that are still stuck in my head. Sometimes they haunt me as if I am so vulnerable - a girl running away from the boogeyman under her bed. But most of the time, I looked back at them as if they are my boosters to get through the day.
You must be wondering what memories I might be talking about. It is about a girl. Yes, a girl. If you still don’t get it, I am gay and I was in a lesbian relationship - you know, that kind of relationship that most self-righteous people tend to judge so much as if they are so perfect and pure.
Anyway, before we proceed on how I died, let me give you a glimpse on how she made me feel alive. The best memory of us was the first time we met. She looked at me as if I was a Hollywood star. She was so fascinated that she wasn’t able to speak for about a minute or two.
Prior to meeting her, I was actually dead. It was my “nth” time to die after an ex dumped me, but then there she was, right in front of me, and for the first time after my last death, I was resurrected. I felt like my broken pieces were crawling towards each other as they made their way to be whole again. My heart thumped again so loud yet only I could hear it.
We started to daydream about how we will be in the next years of our lives together. We made plans and even promised to stay together until our hair turn gray.
I thought we were getting there - to the part where everything were so perfect until one day I realized that we were running out of things to talk about. We changed. We became strangers to each other. We became this couple who just went with the flow.
Gradually, I felt her slowly slipping away. I felt her staying but leaving at the same time. I felt her presence and her absence simultaneously. I felt one of her hand was still holding on while she forcefully let her other hand let go of my grip.
My recent death was when my whole being was slowly breaking like I was a glass containing hot water placed inside a freezer that will eventually get broken. I tried to call her attention for help. I came all naked around her so she can see right through me. I screamed my lungs out but it felt like no voice was coming out of my mouth. I drowned myself to the idea that she still loves me like before, and that’s how I died. (Jala Almoite)
Published in the SunStar Davao newspaper on April 23, 2017.
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